Every meeting, Noel brings down the house with his jokes.
His delivery rivals Jack Benny. Sadly we don’t have any recordings…so…Just let your imagination run wild….
Scroll down the page to re-live his jokes…Also watch the hilarious video shown at our President’s Christmas Lunch
President’s Christmas Lunch video – December 2017
An inexperienced punter was at the horse races and all but losing his short. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing some long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of one of the longest shots of the day.
This time the Priest also blessed the eyes, ears and hooves. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned.
He watched dumbfounded as his horse came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!”
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “Son,” he said, “that’s the problem with you Protestants. You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.”
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
March 2018 (Delivered by Duncan Gibson…well done Duncan!
It is rumoured that the entire senior population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.
Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously he remarked “You’re decorating, I see”, to which Donald replied, “Naw, I’m movin’ house”.
Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation. “Panty stitcher … I stitch de elastic in ladies panties,” he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week. When Mick was asked the same question, he replied ‘diesel fitter’, and since this is skilled work he was given 200 euros a week. When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more dosh.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas diesel fitting was skilled work.
“What fecking skill???” yelled Paddy … “I sew the fecking elastic on the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says, “Yep, diesel fitter”.”
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first bloke says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am!”
The first bloke responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first bloke says, “Faith and it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first bloke gets really excited and says, “And so di I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other bloke answers “Well now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first bloke exclaims “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another bloke walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Irishman too, picked the fly our of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “Spit it out, spit it out you bugger!!!”
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
After getting all of Pope Francis’ luggage loaded into the taxi (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Eminence,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat, so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job. And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport the Supreme Pontiff, temporarily free of the shackles of Office, floors it, accelerating the taxi to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh my God, I’m gonna lose my licence,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a taxi going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” said the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “He’s got the Pope for a taxi driver!”
Three men are sitting stiffly, side by side, on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”
After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Chief Petty Officer, Australian Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.”
Your barracks door
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”
This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up to him and said: “Your fly is open”. He zipped up and finished his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door’. He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said: “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention in there?”
The lady thought for a moment and said: “No, no I didn’t, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!”
Three male bodies
Three male bodies arrive at the morgue with big smiles frozen on their lifeless faces. The detective calls the coroner to ask what happened to the men.
“The first body: French. 60. Died of Congestive Heart Failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Detective,” said the Coroner.
“The second body: Scottish. 25. Won one thousand dollars on the slot machines, spent it all on Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Died of acute alcohol poisoning. Hence going out with a smile”.
The Detective asked: “What about the third body?”
“Ah,” said the Coroner, “This is the most unusual one: Malcolm Turnbull, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” asked the Detective.
“He thought someone was taking his picture.”
A good woman
Bill and Charles are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, having a smoke and drinking some beer when suddenly Bill says, “I think I’m going to divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”
Charles coughs and spills his beer in surprise, takes a long look at his friend and then slowly sips his beer and says:
“Better think it over Bill …….Women like that are hard to find.”
The Polish divorce
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well, until the day he rushed into his lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – ‘very quick’.
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: ‘Have you any grounds?”
POLE: “Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with three bedrooms.”
LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar.”
LAWYER: “I mean, What are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations are in Poland”.
LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player.”
LAWYER: “No, I mean, does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”
LAWYER: “Is your wife a nagger?”
POLE: “No, she white”.
LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me”.
LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
POLE: “I got proof”.
LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read …. It says, ‘Polish Remover’.”
The Farmer and the Inspector
A rumour had got around that a farmer was underpaying his employees, so an inspector called on him and asked,
“How many people do you employ?“Two men and a hired girl” the farmer replied.
“I understand that you may be paying them below the minimum wage” said the inspector.
“That so!” snorted the farmer, and called his employees and said to them “Now tell this fellow what your wages are”.
When they had each told the inspector how much they were paid, the inspector said “Well those rates are ok. Are you sure you don’t employ anyone else?”
“Only the halfwit” said the farmer. “He gets his board and a bit of cash every week for his tobacco”.
“That’s terrible” said the inspector. “Let me talk to him!”
“You’re talking to him now!” said the farmer.
The Golfer and the Policeman
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Mam, is that your husband?”.
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hand on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know – five, six, maybe seven times ….. Just put me down for a five.”
A Golfer goes to heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?”.
The Golfer gets married
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
How to get the Police into action
George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go and turned off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone also in your house?” ….. he said “No”.
They then said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said “Okay”’ hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Three beers please barman
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He downs them all, pays, and leaves.
The bartender was a bit confused, but not enough to ask why.
The next day the same thing happens and the next…..
The bartender’s curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying three beers.
He explains, “My two buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they have slipped away, I’ve decided to drink their beers in their honour so I may never forget.”
“A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man three beers every night.
One night, the man only orders two beers.
Thinking the worst, the bartender asks him why only two, and the man responds: “I’ve decided to stop drinking.”
If I were a car…
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it I. For a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull …… but that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me 5 minutes to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it …. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter …. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires …….
Doesn’t stop us from having a little fun though!
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed an elderly lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said: “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered: “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Goodbye, Mum’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mum”.
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $171.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much! I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied: “Yeah, but your mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”
The Lawyers wife and 12 Children
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the house.
He couldn’t say he had no children because he couldn’t lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with their other 11 children and took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right.
The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered: “Twelve.”
The agent asked: “Where are the others?”
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered: “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”